Radical Acceptance

What is Radical Acceptance?

When you're hurting emotionally or physically, your first reaction may be an attempt to place blame or get upset. You might ask "Why me?" or say "This isn't fair!" You might try to deny what's happening or ignore it some other way. You might keep placing blame without actually solving anything. These are all ways we try to put off dealing with the thoughts and emotions we're feeling, as well as the actual situation going on. But that almost never ends well, does it? It might be easier for a little while, but chances are the problem or feelings aren't going to go away on their own. That's where radical acceptance comes in.

Radical acceptance is a skill often taught in DBT, or dialectical behavior therapy, a type of therapy often used to help people "manage their overwhelming emotions...[and] strengthen a person's ability to handle distress without losing control or acting destructively" (McKay et al., 2019). Radical acceptance is the idea that you must acknowledge your situation without judging or criticizing it or yourself. If you make a mistake, you don't beat yourself up over it; you acknowledge that the situation just is, and it must be dealt with. Dwelling on your feelings, the unfairness of it, or ignoring it happened will only cause more suffering.

Radical Acceptance and Coping Statements

Radical acceptance is something you need to practice over and over again, like most coping skills. It gets easier with time, and eventually it will become first nature. Coping statements, which are similar to positive affirmations, can help. Next time you're in a stressful situation and you feel like running from your feelings because they're so overwhelming, try repeating one or more of these to yourself as you accept the situation:

• This situation is only temporary.

• These feelings will pass.

• I can't change what has already happened.

• This is hard, but I can handle it.

• I can survive this, even if it's hard and uncomfortable.

• There is no point trying to fight the past.

• I've dealt with hard things before, and I can deal with this.

What Radical Acceptance Isn't

Radical acceptance isn't approval of the situation. If someone did something to cause you distress, radical acceptance isn't about excusing their behavior; it's about accepting the fact that it happened and not trying to run from the situation, ignore it, or throw a tantrum over it. With radical acceptance, you stop blaming people for the situation and do what you need to do deal with the problem.

Practicing Radical Acceptance

Next time you're feeling anxious, depressed, angry, or really any negative emotion about something in your life, don't let yourself fall into the trap of thinking "I can't handle this" or "this is intolerable". Take a deep breath, pick a coping statement, and repeat it to yourself.

For example, when I'm panicking about a situation I'm in, it often runs through my mind that I'll always feel this way and it will never get better. I've had to practice, and still do, telling myself that my feelings might be overwhelming, but focusing on how overwhelming they feel isn't going to do me or the situation any good. I have to acknowledge the feelings ("Yes, I feel panicky right now"), acknowledge the situation ("I made a mistake that resulted in this situation" or "Because of this person's actions, I feel panicked"), and then deal with it. I've found that making a list of possible courses of action can help pull my focus away from how uncomfortable I feel and put it on making the situation better.

Radical acceptance isn't easy, but it can make all the difference in how you perceive a situation.

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Sources:

McKay, M., Wood, J., & Brantley, J. (2019). The dialectical behavior therapy skills workbook: Practical DBT exercises for learning mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, emotion regulation. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.